Maddie’s Story
For Children’s Grief Awareness week 2025, Maddie shared her story about the death of her brother, Jacques, when she was 17, and answered a series of questions around this year’s theme of Sharing Stories, Strengthening Hope.
“Could you explain a bit about the bereavement you experienced as a child?”
When I was 17, I lost my oldest brother, Jacques, in a road accident. He was 21. He was the eldest of our four siblings and very much the leader of the pack and the one we always looked up to.
He had a big presence, and losing him so suddenly was devastating. At that stage in my life, everything felt uncertain and it changed my world completely. The problems I thought I had as a teenager didn't seem like such a big problem in comparison anymore.
“How did you deal with the death? What was your initial response?”
At first I didn't really know how to deal with it. No one teaches you how to deal with grief at that age. Not many people around me, if anyone had gone through something like that before at that age, either. So no, I didn't know how to deal with it. I had my final exams coming up for university, so basically I buried myself into my books and I studied as a distraction.
On the surface, I kept going, kept turning up to school, but inside I felt completely overwhelmed. I was surrounded by friends, by my other brothers, by my parents, by so much love and so much support. But I still felt so lonely. Talking about it for me was very hard at the time. I didn't want to upset anyone by bringing him up when I was maybe thinking about my brother and others weren't.
One thing that really helped me was keeping a journal, and writing became a private space where I could pull out everything that I felt like I couldn't say out loud. I didn't fully understand my emotions then. Some days I felt angry, other days I felt numb, but often I just felt empty. And journaling and writing gave me a way to let some of that out.
It’s something that just worked for me at the time, and it might not work for everyone - it maybe wouldn't have worked for my brothers, but for me, that's how I managed to deal with my emotions better.
“What impact did the bereavement have on your childhood & experience of growing up?”
The bereavement had a huge impact on my childhood, and on on my life now. At 17, I felt older than my years - like I'd suddenly had to grow up faster than I was ready for. I was exposed to something that at that age, you shouldn't be exposed to. My relationships shifted. I became more protective of my family, my friends, especially my two other brothers, and more aware of how fragile life can be.
At the same time, grief made me feel separate from my friends. While they were living their normal ups and downs of teenage life, I was carrying something very different.
They had moved on a couple months after the passing of my brother, because life moves on. But for me, I felt stuck, like I was never going to be able to move on, and I still had that grief with me constantly. And I still do have that grief.
Over time though, it gave me a deep empathy for others. One way I found strength was by following in my brother's footsteps. He loved university and he loved the experience of university, meeting new people, the independence of it all.
Before his passing, I told him that I received an offer from my dream university. So after he passed, going to university became a way of honouring him for me and carrying forward something he loved, and keeping that part of him alive in my own journey, so that was something that was really important to me.
“What did the word hope mean to you as a child, and what does it mean to you now?”
At 17, hope felt very far away. I couldn't picture life ever feeling lighter, or full of joy again. But looking back, I see that hope was there in small ways.
It was in sitting my exams, in writing my journal, in carrying on my plans for the future, even if they felt impossible.
Hope wasn't about being positive. It was simply about believing that life could still go on, even alongside the pain of grief.
Now, as an adult, hope has taken on a different meaning for me. I'm a mum of a one year old boy, and one of the hardest parts for me is that my husband and my son will never meet my brother. But for me, hope is in telling stories about him, keeping his memory alive and weaving him into the life I've now built for myself.
Hope allows me to carry grief and joy together, and I think that is for me how I see hope in my life now.
“If you could send a message of hope to other children going through grief, what would it be?”
To children going through grief, I would say your grief is real and it matters. It's okay to feel confused, angry, alone, or any other emotion.
There is no handbook on how you should be feeling - every emotion is valid. It's also okay to find your own way of coping with your grief. Whether that's writing, talking, or simply giving yourself some space to think. You don't have to rush through grief or protect everyone around you from it. That's something in hindsight that I felt I did - I didn't open up as much as I maybe wanted to because I was trying to protect others.
The pain won't disappear, but it will change and you will find ways to carry your loved one with you. For me, that's through memories and stories - so that even though my new family I've created will never have met my brother, they'll always know who he was and feel like if they know him.
That's what hope looks like to me - living a life full of meaning while carrying your loved one alongside you.
See Maddie’s full video below:
Thank you so much to Maddie, for her contribution to Children’s Grief Awareness Week 2025.
If you know a child who needs help and support following a bereavement, take a look at the Child Bereavement Network website for information, advice and details of support available in your area: https://childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk/
