James’ story
James & Chloe
James’ sister Chloe died in 2022, here he shares how he is continuing to keep her memory alive and his advice to others whose sibling has died.
I was 16 when my little sister Chloe died from cancer. She was first diagnosed in 2013 with stage four Neuroblastoma at just two and a half years old, and I was eight.
As a family, we were in it together, we had to create a new normal, a new reality that we all had to adapt to. It was a strange experience and incomparable to anything my peers had ever experienced in their lives, or anything I’d ever experienced before.
I was in disbelief, you still want to believe there is hope, which we had carried with us the whole time – but when you find out there are no options left, we had to prepare ourselves.
In 2016 Chloe went into remission and we were fortunate to have 3 and a half years of relative normality, creating many memories as a family that I will treasure forever.
Chloe’s Cancer returned in early 2020, I was in shock and heartbroken at hearing the news, but like we had done previously, we remained optimistic that Chloe would beat her cancer again.
“In November 2021 we found out that we’d run out of treatment options for Chloe, I was in disbelief, you still want to believe there is hope, which we had carried with us the whole time – but when you find out there are no options left, we had to prepare ourselves.”
It appeared unlikely that Chloe would make it to Christmas, but in true Chloe style, she surprised all of us, she defied all expectations and kept going until February 2022. I will always be proud of and inspired by her fighting spirit that remained till the end.
Chloe was bubbly and very charismatic; she always made us laugh and she was one of a kind.
When Chloe passed away it was a rollercoaster of emotions, because we were grieving and also planning out her funeral, and because we had such a large social media presence it meant we also had to put it out online, making sure everyone else knew.
We had people coming up to us, saying “oh I’m so sorry to hear this” and it’s the same thing you hear every time.
“As much as people mean well, it’s quite a lot to deal with. Every time someone approaches you are having to say the same thing, trying to act like you’re okay is quite difficult.”
There were times in the early days when I would just try and avoid people, walking down the street and trying to take the back exit or a side street to try and avoid those conversations. It’s the one conversation you don’t want to be having constantly. Then it’s “how’s your mum, how’s your dad getting on?” and a lot of the time it makes you think ‘I’m struggling too’. It feels like sometimes it is the siblings who get ignored.
At the time, I don’t know if I did deal with it. I just had to keep on going and accept that was the way things were. I made sure I had people who I could speak to about how I was feeling, and that was my way of getting it all out.
I think of it as - they are not gone, they are still part of you, they are still part of your family, they are still part of everything you do.
My experience with grief after losing Chloe will probably be the worst pain I will experience in my lifetime. At times I found myself keeping myself occupied, to the point where I would avoid the conversations. However, I have learnt over time that even though having things to do was helpful, moderation is key and finding that balance to ensure you are not ignoring your mental health.
“If you need someone to talk to, reach out for help, there is no worse thing you could do than to stay silent with your struggles.”
I really had to rely on my family, we all had to rely on each other in the months after Chloe passed. Whether it was sitting down at the dinner table having a chat, or admitting to each other that we weren’t coping very well. Having that strong support system really helped me.
Chloe was a very kind and caring person and we try to keep her memory alive through her actions. Doing good is a great way of celebrating who Chloe was and serving her justice.
I’d like people who are going through the same or a similar situation to know there is hope.
There are always going to be difficult days, but that’s part of grief, it comes in waves. I have up and down days, sometimes I reflect on everything that’s happened. It does get you down, but you have to use that energy for something good.
Through everything I have experienced with Chloe, it makes me grateful for where I am today. I am grateful I have the support around me, but I’m aware not everyone has that.
It’s important you try and access that support if you need it.
Nobody should have to suffer in silence – especially after going through something like I’ve been through, what so many other siblings have been through.
“There’s always light at the end of the tunnel and your sibling would want you to carry on and that’s the way I see it. Chloe would want me to keep going in her memory and I think people could find comfort in looking at what their siblings would want them to do.”
Sibling Support prioritises the sibling in these situations, which a lot of charities struggle to do. I think that having a charity which is focused on providing support for people like me who really need it has a positive impact.
Reflecting on what I’ve learnt these past 2 years, my advice for others who have lost siblings is:
Don’t suffer in silence, talk to someone about how you’re feeling.
Finding ways to occupy your time, can be helpful, but do not let it suppress your feelings
Accept there will always be difficult days, grief comes in waves. Use that energy for something good.
Do something good in their memory
