"Don’t be afraid to live your life": Olivia's story

Olivia's brother died in 2010, here she explains how she has dealt with a mixture of emotions.

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My brother died 13 years ago after being in a coma for a week. He complained of headaches on Valentine’s Day in 2010, and by that evening, he was in the intensive care unit.

I thought he was going to die that night, but that hopelessness turned into hopefulness as the days went by, so we weren’t expecting it when the doctor took us into a family room to tell us that he had passed away.

We weren’t particularly close, but the pain of losing him was indescribable.

I didn’t know how to cope with my grief. I was at university then and spoke to a pastoral officer a few times. Looking back, I needed grief counselling, but that wasn’t ever suggested, nor did it cross my mind. I felt no one really understood or knew what to say. But what can you really say?

“Most well-meaning people asked how my parents were coping, but few people asked me the same”

I remember searching for support groups or advice for sibling loss online – I came across a website that offered advice for every type of loss, even cats and dogs, but nothing for siblings.

For the next ten years, I went into a type of denial, it was how I coped.

There was life with my brother and life after him – I distanced myself from memories of the life he was part of. When I met new people, and they inevitably asked if I had any siblings, I’d tell them I was an only child, it just felt easier, yet my heart would break if someone told me just how lucky I was to be an only child.

I also probably didn’t lead the full life I was capable of – I over risked-assessed opportunities like travelling solo – cautious that I was my mother’s sole-surviving child, I had a responsibility to avoid any potential risks and stay alive.

“His 10th anniversary changed something in me, I visited his grave for the first time and began to tell people he existed and that he died, even if I wasn’t ready to talk about him.”

In doing so, I realised I wasn’t alone, I connected with people who had also lost siblings, even if just for a moment.

Just last year, I started counselling, and it’s one of the best things I’ve done for myself. However, I wish sites like Sibling Support had been around when I lost my brother, it would have helped me a lot. Birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmases are still hard, but some years feel more manageable than others.

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